the little things

14 01 2009

Well, its the final week, and I couldn’t be more excited. OK, I bet I could be more excited if I was actually getting on the plane right now instead of typing this blog, but whatever, technicalities. However, it almost feels like the increased excitement of this last week is going to make every little annoyance that comes with the territory of being in Iraq that much worse. Thus, making the coming week seem that much longer.

I am happy to report that the last aircraft that we should have to work on at this place is in the hangar now, and should be done by the time I get to work tonight, assuming nothing catastrophic occurs. That is a very exciting milestone in and of itself. No more scheduled maintenance. No more aircraft washes in freezing temperatures. No more picking up all the slack for another troop that apparently can’t function for themselves (you know who you are).

However, the annoyances that I mentioned still linger. Like the fact that the power has been out in my room, for a notable period of time, 4 out of the last 5 days, or that hot water is nearly a myth. In fact, I’m not even sure hot water exists anymore. Does heat exist? Is there a god? These are all very good questions to be asking, people!

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

When the power is out I like to sneak around in the dark like Rambo.

I just want to come home one day, have power to check my email from the room, and then have the availability of some hot water to cleanse myself comfortably. Fuck! I mean come on, it is somebody’s job to ensure that all these housing units have power, and from what I have seen, they are failing on a daily basis. Then, when it does come back on, it fries my computer, losing everything on my hard drive, and forcing me to restore it. I can’t win!

Looking at the big picture though, I guess I just shouldn’t get my hopes up for basic amenities over this next week. I should just expect it to suck ass, deal with it and drive on, and know ultimately it doesn’t matter because I’m out of my hell in 7 days. Then I can go home expecting these things, and actually have them too.


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what’s that?

11 01 2009

So on the way out of breakfast this morning, i grabbed myself a banana, fully hoping it would somehow make up for the immorally fattening meal I consumed.

I stuck that banana in my pocket.

Halfway back to my room, I realize that I am walking around with a huge bulge in my coat pocket, conveniently hanging right in front of my crotchal region.

So I left it there, and everybody I passed I just imagined them saying:

“Hey, is that a banana in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

True story. Ask Kyle. And Iraq sucks.


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Categories : Food Adventures, Funny, I think?, Iraq, Nonsense

serving sizes

10 01 2009

It’s a cold night in Iraq, and we’ve just finished washing yet another aircraft for it’s pre-courtesy pre-customs pre-inspection (bureaucrats). Every one is soaked, boots wet, feet cold, wind blowing. We sit in a circle and enjoy our newly found snacks. I dig in to my box of Cheez-its, and enjoy handful after handful of 100% real cheesy goodness. I can’t help but glance at the nutrition facts. Serving size: 27 crackers! Are you serious? I’ve just had a serving per handful. Wow! Who gets to decide these serving sizes?

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

MmMmMmM Cheez-Its!

I don’t know the answer that right now, but I know who it should be. Me! I want my job to be sitting around deciding how much of a deliciously addicting snack people should eat. Why is it always just enough to make you hungry for more? Do they even care what actual servings are once the box has shipped, do they care how much people are actually eating? I think not. So why not put some truth in the serving sizes to keep me from having to do math on the fly regarding how much I am actually getting.

It’s simple, take a case study for each product, set the sample audience in a room, give them each a package of the product, and record an average of how much people want to eat in one serving. Don’t try to swindle me out of information because you want to make your serving sizes smaller and thereby create a more attractive advertising campaign. “Now with less fat” or “compare nutrition facts to….” I see through your bullshit you food people.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

OH NO! Double trouble, so delicious.

Here are some commonly underestimated serving sizes, and we all know it’s true:

  • Cheez-Its – Clearly 27 crackers does not suffice. I stop for a drink at 27 crackers, and keep on trucking.
  • Oreo – These say 2 per serving, but once you get an oreo soaked in milk and its chocolately creamy goodness just starts melting in your mouth, you’ll never stop at two!
  • Pringles – The ad says it all, once you pop you can’t stop. I know a single serving is not supposed to be 1 can, but that’s what happens. It’s inevitable.
  • Goldfish – Don’t know, don’t care. That whole bag is gone!

If anyone is hiring a truthful serving size representative, I’m in the market! Tweet me!

Peace to this place in 10 days!


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why would homeaway send me anywhere?

6 01 2009

I ask that in response to HomeAway’s recent contest, in which people are to blog a reason that they should get a $5000 vacation, and readers vote on the winner. I don’t get it, I mean why on earth would I want to have a website send me on a free vacation to my dream destination of Australia, when I am just about to finish up a most exhilarating Iraqi safari!

This tour in Iraq has been such a blessing to me. What, with all the sleepless nights, annoying tasks, weather extremes, terrible food and non-presence of hot water!I have seen so many beautiful places over here, including my more than likely future home, consisting of a palm leave roof, bamboo walls and tiki torches as lights, in the middle of a war torn village. Still hashing out the details on the whole fire code issue, but it will be great. The smokey air has made me never want to breathe another breath of fresh air. I just would not feel safe anywhere else, I need the constant buzz of warplanes and attack helicopters flying by to let me know I’m ok.  The locals are very friendly, especially as the drive by in their trucks staring at you with loaded weapons in their hands. So come on, what more could a guy ask for than a 15 month excursion to Iraq, right?

Oh I know, I know!

Sydney, Australia

Sydney, Australia

Please please please send me to this beautiful condo property in Sydney, Australia! It would really mean so much to just be able to relax in an exotic destination with that special someone. I have always had a desire to visit the beautiful country of Australia, but never the time or money. I feel this may be my chance, to just run away and have fun for a while. I’m excited to come home for sure, but not ready to get back into everyday life just yet. So help a soldier relax, and win a free vacation to his dream destination with his dream girl. It would be a dream come true. Dream….

*All described feelings for Iraq were completely false and irrelevant….I hate this place! Really!


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i’m rich, bitch!

6 01 2009

As of lately, we have been blessed to have a little bit of down time during our work hours, thanks to decreased mission requirements and the luck of nothing breaking on us. With this down time comes many exciting activities, such as hangar baseball, movies, push ups, floor sweeping, maybe going back to the room early and most important; internet time at the mwr. We have logged a lot of hours on the internet, mainly comparing youtube videos of motorcycle and plane crashes or mapping sex offenders in our home neighborhoods (stay away from Killeen, TX).

One night, however, we decided to look at google maps and view satellite images of our houses, or in some cases the houses we call home because we don’t really have one at the moment. Everyone googled their houses, shared and went to the next house. So I google the house I grew up in, and still visit my parents at, and shared with everyone, and all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. I quote Tim in saying “you’ve got a pool you can see from space, you’re a fucking rich kid!” Ouch….

as seen from space

as seen from space

First of all, I am no where near the rich classification, this is my parents house, and they don’t pay my bills. Well, they do, but with my money as I am most decidedly out of the country. Second, if I was rich I probably would have went to college, and started my dream career off on the right foot. So you know what I say to you being jealous of my space pool….

BLOW ME!

Evidence that I am not rich:

  • I drive a Cobalt, nothing wrong with that…right?
  • I know at least 7 dishes I can make with ramen noodles.
  • People give me spare change when I stand in front of Starbucks with my coffee.
  • I have built a shelter out of cardboard and a tarp (in Iraq though, so….does that even count?)
  • I eat Jack-in-the-Box tacos even when I’m sober
  • My three checking accounts, CD and savings do not add up to $1,000,000 which is the only way to achieve rich status.
  • I’ve never received a hummer in an H2; only an H1.
  • My private plane only seats 4.
  • My chain don’t hang low, but that’s just my ice…

So there you have it, maybe I am rich, but only in life and love…

Fuck Iraq in 15 days!!


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